I need to stop denying that God made me to be someone with big dreams.
Almost 4 years ago, despite going to a liberal arts school for future doctors, engineers, and scientists, I made the decision to be a creative instead. At the time, I reasoned it wouldn't be glorifying to God to not utilize the specific gifts and passion for this craft that He placed on my heart. And even though all my professional experience was self-taught and I had few connections, God orchestrated the right people and events that led me to Austin.
Last year I wrote a post about faith and naivety. I was just accepted into my residency at The Austin Stone and I was uncertain about the idea of earning my income entirely off of financial support, and how I was going to survive living off so little,. Yet, I promised I would never "compromise my character or my calling for the fear of money" because what good was money when there are souls at stake? In the end, God provided abundantly and more.
So it's no surprise that this year I find myself in another similar situation of wanting to deny my God-given tendencies to dream big in exchange for a safer, more predictable route. I recently entered a new season of life, one where I have both the liberating and lonely freedom of figuring out what to do next.
I can't explain why, but I've rarely had any success when making the safe choices in life. From picking a college, to career choice, to relationships, it seems God not only opens the door when I pursue something risky or different, but He also seems to steer me out toward the unknown whenever I try to make choices motivated by a desire security or ease.
Maybe that's why I chose to pursue filmmaking. Maybe that's why I applied to be a Jubilee Project Fellow, to be a resident for Story Team. Maybe that's why I'm a little adrenaline junkie. Maybe that's why I'm obsessed with trying new experiences. Maybe that's why I'm not afraid to be uncomfortable if that means I'll come out of it learning something. It's definitely why I don't understand people who are afraid to pursue their dreams. Because the way my life's worked, most of the dreams I pursue actually end up becoming reality. The way my life's worked, gut-wrenching hardship and inexplicable joy go hand in hand.
Notice I say most dreams. I will admit that last year I got a huge reality-check-sucker-punch to the face when I learned that that even if you try your hardest to do what you think is right, you don't always get the outcome you want. But at least I can say that I tried. Because the way I've seen other lives work, when you don't even take the risk to try, you end up losing anyway.
I remember reading Radical by David Platt and feeling so alive. I wanted to live a life like that. Since I was young, I have always been disillusioned by the idea of the American Dream. Get a job, get married, have kids, grow old, and die? It seemed so meaningless. But living a life of radical generosity, compassion, and adventure for a greater purpose, and that purpose being Jesus? That made perfect sense as to why I would even need to exist on this earth.
But I've forgotten about that dream for a while now.
Perhaps I need to accept that the road less traveled is the life God intends for me to have. But it's lonely trailblazing my own path sometimes.